Raiders of the Lost Chainsaw Gasoline
by Madhog thy Master
Summary: Trespassers will be horribly mutilated.
1. Choice n 1: Bernard and Michael

About 22 years ago, in 1987, George Lucas's videogame company, the Lucasfilm Games (currently known as Lucasarts) published a unique title who single handedly revolutionized the very idea of what a Graphic Adventure game, or even computer's games themselves for that matter, was supposed to be…

A totally crazy and derailed game entirely based up from lame horror / sci-fi movies and genuine stereotypes of its typical protagonists… Young idiotic college students.

The game's name was Maniac Mansion…

And this piece or arguable literature, is my homage to it.

Let's get started, then.

Oh! And by the way… There will be blood!

* * *

**RAIDERS OF THE LOST CHAINSAW GASOLINE**

* * *

An oddly looking excuse of a person sat on his rather comfortable chair in front of his computer… A Commodore 64, apparently… To say that this system was old, would have been considered the euphemism of the all freaking millennium!

A game was playing on that old rusty thing's screen… Or better, something that hardly resembled a game, since it was THAT outdated… As a matter of fact, Moses could very well have played with it when he would not drown innocent Egyptian people in a certain backstabbing sea…

In any case, the isolated homunculus who apparently had no friends at all, was watching his, let's say, computer's screen with vivid and focused eyes… If you could consider them to be eyes that is, since it seemed they had sustained some kind of a melt down… Just like certain nuclear plants used to do, sometimes.

The object of his current preoccupation lay in the player's select screen of the game in question…

Apparently, there were 5 different characters to choose for this game… Besides the main character who was not an option, despite his utterly uselessness…

Each and everyone of the 6 characters that were showed on the screen, happened to be a rather clear and baffling stereotype about determined kind of persons and all of them had their own personal "abilities" too… Except the main character of course.

There they were:

Razor: a punk / dark / emo / Goth / whatever the hell kind of heavy metal rockstar who's personality was as lethal and painful as her name suggested… As well as her alcohol filled breath.

Syd: the average pop singer… Razor's nemesis / occasional bed comrade and drug sharer… With the personality of a lonely sewer turd.

Jeff: the un-mistakable, typical surfer dude… Let's just leave it at that… No, I'm not "awesome dude" and I don't want to "relax"! Stupid sea hippies…

Bernard: There is at least one of them in every group (and I mean EVERY Goddamn group)… The nerd! The geek! The Poindexter and all that jazz… Don't step to close to him or you shall suffer a painful coma thanks to his horrendous geeky talk… Oh! And he's also the easily scare-able one. It figures…

Wendy: she is a writer… The lonely hearted, not very attractive, seemingly desperate, would be suicidal kind of writer.

Michael: The photographer. There is also one of them inside almost any group… The African American who dies first… Again, it figures.

And finally…

Dave: the main character… The classical, average, all muscled leader that any self-respected gang inevitably has… Just ask the Mystery Machine's gang if you don't believe me!

So many possibilities, so many choices… What could possibly be the best combination? Considering the fact that Dave would always be useless for the entire length of the game…

And then, here's the idea!

The horrid gamer chose wisely…

Bernard the nerd and Michael the black sacrificial goat errrrrrrr… I mean, the photographer! Yes… He's not going to die as soon as he will enter that cursed house full of maniacal sociopaths and cannibals who also happened to be republican… Suuuuuure he won't.

Anyway, once the game settings were finished, the real game began…

Judging by the awful looking graphic only 16 bit games like this one could have… A random meteorite has landed into the garden of an old colonial mansion, the Edison family's mansion and, as we would discover later, this sentient piece of space garbage did manage to possess the mind of the family head… Which already happened to be the average, small sized, mad scientist in white lab suit and with some kind of cartoon like miner's lamp placed on his big bald head… Mmmh, did I accidentally spoiled the entire game's plot? Oh well… Here's the title of the game:

* * *

_**Maniac Mansion!**_

* * *

**Choice n. 1: Bernard and Michael**

"Ok guys… I've seen Dr Fred Edison bring my girlfriend, Sandy, to this old, apparently haunted house… WE MUST SAVE HER AT ALL COSTS!!!" Cried Dave while assuming the utter idiotic superhero pose.

"B-but i-it could be d-dangerous… W-what if there is some… G-g-g-g-ghost!!" The cowardly Bernard added.

"Don't crap your pants out Bernie! There is a life at stake here and danger is my second name!" Dave replied.

"I thought your second name was Stupid White Man…" Said Michael… Who else? "By the way, have you seen this movie in which those bunch of guys entered this house… Then they all get raped into disfiguring death by a crazed old nymphomaniac nurse? And then their bodies get slashed by some douchebag with a chainsaw and eaten by carnivore plants and… Why are you staring at me like that?" He suddenly asked noticing his so-called friends' smirking gazes towards his now highly worried person.

"I have a plan." Dave said.

5 seconds later…

"THIS IS BULLSHIT! You wanted me to go first because I'm a **** er!!!" Michael complained, already knocking at the big house's door.

"What did you say?" Dave yelled from his 1 kilometer safe distance… Hidden in a bush and sitting over Bernard's face just for the heck of it.

"I said… YOU WANTED ME TO GO FIRST BECAUSE I'M A FREAKING **** ER!!!"

"Sorry, couldn't get that… Could you please remove the asterisks?"

The black goat muttered incoherently under his breath, cursing about the hypocrisy of a politically correct society… And Ronald Reagan's name.

Suddenly, the door went wide open and a rather gruesome looking nymphomaniac nurse appeared right in front of the petrified Michael.

"A… A… A… A MAAAAAAAAANNNNNN!!!" She… It cried while grabbing the poor unwilling sexy chocolate of her dreams and dragging his already doomed form inside the house.

"Do you think he'll be fine?" Asked Bernard.

"Yeah…" Dave confidently remarked.

Them the screams began.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGH!!! GET OFF ME YOU CRAZY BITCH!!!"

The nerd gave an odd look to his gang leader.

"What? He didn't ask for help, did he?" Dave countered.

"HEEEEELLLP!!! PLEASE SOMEBODY GODDAMN HELP ME!!!!"

"Yes, well… He didn't specifically ask OUR help!"

"DAVE! BERNARD! YOU FUCKING WHITE BASTARDS!!! HELP ME OUT OF HERE!!!"

"He… Didn't specified the kind of danger he's in?"

"SHE'S GODDAMN RAPING ME INTO A DISFIGURING DEATH AND THEN HER DOUCHEBAG SON IS GOING TO SLASH ME WITH A CHAINSAW AND LET ME BE EATEN BY CARNIVORE PLANTS!!! JUST LIKE IN THAT STUPID MOVIE I TOLD YOU ABOUT!!!"

At this point, Dave just shrugged.

"Ok, fine, here we come… Gee, what a whiner."

"GREAT! I'll be waiting you here… Checking the surroundings… And everything… You're going to savagely throw me in, right?" Bernard rhetorically asked.

Dave just smiled… And savagely threw his geeky companion (or occasional punching ball, if you will) inside the mansion…

"Ehi look!" said Bernard while re-positioning in own dislocated shoulder. "There is a random chainsaw on the ground for anyone to pick…"

"Cool!" Added Dave while picking up the rather amusing item… Only to find it without gasoline.

"Oh fuck… It's empty. Well, guess we'll have to find some gasoline then we can start murdering things around, right Bernie? Ehi… Bernie? Why aren't you acknowledging my sentence?"

When Dave turned his head, Bernie was nowhere to be seen… Weird.

He gave one good look at his surroundings, hoping to find his favorite stress killer…

There was some odd looking plant, old out-of-place naked statues, the secret entrance for Dr Fred's laboratory, some stairs, a talking green tentacle mutant freak, other stairs…

"Wait a second! Naked statues! That's so gay… Wait a second! An horrible green tall tentacle mutant freak right in front on me!"

"Stop right there, human! Feed me if you want to proceed." The thing said.

"Aren't you going to kill or imprisoned me since I'm an intruder and all?"

"I don't feel like… Ehi, wanna join my rockband?" It said.

"You have a rockband?"

"Yep! 'Green T. and the Sushi Splatters! So… Whaddya say, dude?"

"… I can't sing, I'm useless!" He stupidly answered.

And Green Tentacle just devoured him… Now they were all dead.

**Game Over**


	2. Choice n 2: Jeff and Wendy

The strange barf pool Jabba De Hutt like sitting freak looked bemused… Apparently, his first choice turned out to be utter wrong… He'll just have to start the game all over with new selected players… Besides "Dumbo" Dave of course.

* * *

**Choice n. 2: Jeff and Wendy**

"Ok guys, here we are… Again. Let's go and save Sandy, my girlfriend… Again… And let's try not to die… Again." Dave said while assuming his previous super duper Captain Falcon like pose… Very idiotic.

"Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude, this house is aweeeeeeeesooooooome!!!" Said Jeff, the surfer dude or, as I like to refer to him, the utter waste of human flesh… "I mean, look at the gate, man it's so huuuuuuuge! And what about those double front doors… Mondo ominous, brother! And what about that random chainsaw thing on the ground… Spookyville man, Spookyville!"

Dave would have gladly utilized the aforementioned chainsaw on that potthead… But unfortunately, it had no gasoline… Again.

"Fuck!"

Indeed.

From behind the two guys, Wendy, the lonely hearted feminist fatty whore like writer just rolled her eyes…

"Men…" She just muttered before being cut in a half for absolutely no reason…

"Well, I'll be… There was some gasoline in it, after all!" Dave proudly said while holding his newly acquired instrument of slashing death. "Ok, here's the plan, Jeff." He resumed. "While you distract the crazy Edisons by trying to sell them human body parts for lab experiments…" He pointed to the newly fresh mutilated corpse, then continued. "… I'll try to sneak inside from the back door, get it?"

"Eeeeeehi, I like the color of the walls, it's awesome, dude!"

"I'll take it as a yes, NOW GO!!"

Jeff rang the bell… A rather tall, military dressed psychopath appeared out of it.

"WHO ARE YOU, MAGGOT!!? SPECIFY YOU'RE STATUS!!!" He yelled.

"Whoa, cool uniform, dude…" Jeff said.

At this, the madman just looked… A little more mad.

"A FUCKING HIPPIE DARES TO STEP ON MY YARD!!! I WON'T TOLERATE THIS INSUBORDINATION!!! I WILL TURN YOU INTO A REAL MAN OR KILL YOU IN THE PROCESS!!! NOW COME IN!!!"

"Ehi man, no need to yell and… WHOA!!!" And the beachy hippie was violently dragged inside…

* * *

Meanwhile, Dave took a moment to relax, swimming inside the backyard pool of the mansion… Not knowing that the pool hosted a little nuclear power plant and therefore its water was highly radioactive… Because he was total moron, then again it was not a new.

After losing an arm wrestling contest with his brand new third arm and severing his second head with his chainsaw (which he romantically dubbed it… "Captain Slashin' Dick" or "Dicky" for short) he managed to enter the house… Only to find himself captured and imprisoned without even noticing.

"WHAT THE FUCK!!!?" Were his last words before being devoured by rampaging mutated rats.

It was all in Jeff's junky hands now…

* * *

A Bob Marley song played for some inexplicable reason…

"Dude, you were right, this stuff is veeeeeeery good!" Said Weird Ed Edison, the former paramilitary freak, now potthead freak while inhaling some rather good…

"Told ya, brother… Love and Peace, man." Said Jeff. "By the way, ya have a cute hamster over there…" He added while pointing to a particularly fat looking rodent inside a cage.

"Yeah… He's my only friend, I would explode in homicidal rage and murder anything within a 2 miles range, if something would happen to him…"

"Oh sorry, dude… He's dead. Apparently letting him try my bong was not a good idea."

…………

All characters dead.

**Game Over**


	3. Choice n 3: Razor and Syd

This is getting quite annoying…

* * *

**Choice n. 3: Razor and Syd**

"Ok guys… Let's do this!" Said dully Dave only to notice he was alone… "Ehrrrr guys… Where are you?"

* * *

Somewhere, in an old motel room…

"Who's your mistress, little bitch!?" A bondage leather dressed goth rocker yelled while performing a rather violent whip lashing session over a poor excuse of a man… With the personality of a lonely sewer turd.

"OUCH! YOU'RE MY MISTRESS!! I'M YOUR SLAVE!!! OUCH!!!" He frantically replied.

* * *

Back at the mansion…

Suddenly, Dave found himself surrounded by hungry looking mutant tentacle like freaks who happened to be some kind of a derailed rockband… He refused to be a part of it… The idiot.

And Captain Slashin' Dick was out of gasoline… Again.

"Oh crap…"

Dave ended up eaten alive while Syd and Razor died because of some inconvenient sexual disease…

All characters dead.

**Game Over**

* * *

The chubby elephant man like gamer freak just smashed his deformed cranium on the table… He was clearly frustrated…

It was time for some delirious… Cheat Codes!!!

With the grab like paws he called hands, the secluded freak started tipping on his prehistoric computer…

A mischievous smile was showed on his lips… His herpes mauled lips, that is.


	4. Choice n 4: ?

**Choice n. 4: ???**

From his subterranean laboratory, the demented and possessed Dr Fred Edison was entertaining his guest (his kidnapped, force guest) with an average demonstration of genuine villainhood…

"HA HA HA!!! NOW I'M GOING TO SURGICALLY REMOVE YOUR BRAIN FROM YOUR HEAD BECAUSE A PIECE OF SPACE GARBAGE TOLD ME SO!!! WHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"

… Or should I say, cheap idiotic villainhood.

"YOU WON'T GET AWAY WITH THIS!!!" Sandy, the only woman dumb enough to actually be Dave's girlfriend, harshly replied the doctor's deranged statement with her utterly unoriginal one.

"HA! I would like to see him try!" Dr Fred defiantly answered.

As if on cue, a certain TV show's theme song started to play… And a certain black camion smashed its way through the lab's walls.

It was… THE A-TEAM!!!

Yes… we are in the 80s!

Before the good old doctor could even say "oh crap"… His ass got already kicked by a particularly pissed off Mr T…

"Ha! A pity yo fool!"

After everyone inside th house got killed by random explosions and other cool deadly stuff… Dave finally made its move and entered the lab.

"Cool! Now all I have to do is take out that stupid meteorite and save the day!" He said (on superhero pose, of course) while entering the room with the crazy sentient space rock inside… Who immediately started bombarding him with highly lethal radioactive beams…

Luckily, Dave was wearing the anti-highly lethal radioactive beams dress that has been conveniently in the locker besides the room…

"The what?"

……

A nano-second later… Bernard the geek, who somehow managed to survive the first game session… Found himself in the mansion's undergrounds and immediately, his egghead instincts suggested him to tinker with the very cool looking random nuclear generator he found in it.

The massive explosion that followed killed every living being in a 5 miles range.

All characters dead.

**Game Over**

* * *

And now, the monstrous gamer freak was really irate! So irate, actually, that he finally decided to trash that stupid old game along with that stupid older computer system for good and to get a real life!

A second after exiting his room, the Real Life stroke… In the form of a heart attack…

No one came at his funeral.

And nobody ever found the chainsaw gasoline.

All characters dead.

**Game Over**


End file.
